RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
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English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
There are usually two types of merchants.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”