rip to my favourite tweet
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ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
shit just got real
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills