*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
dictator is short for richard potato
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
*serious situation*
My brain:
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]