rise and shine we got egg
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[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see