Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
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There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”