RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
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Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Message from the dog groomers
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Passed by a old school Math example today.