[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
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*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross