[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
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*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear