[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
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For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Seems legit
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god