Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
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My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.