Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
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Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.