robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
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My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
#merica