robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
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*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“what that mouth do?” complain
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I am HOWLING at this
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”