robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
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My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.