Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Denise please return my vape pen
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
a god among men
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic