Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
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If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Does beer think about me too?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year