Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
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I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.