Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
You Might Also Like
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit