Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
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*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Aw man, but that’s the best part
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you