ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
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Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me