robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
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[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
prepare for carbonated trouble
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*