[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
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Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
the short answer to this question
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.