Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
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Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Leaving the Barbers like
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”