robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Well well well…
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
We like the way Dwight thinks
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.