[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
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No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.