[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
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A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
How do dragons blow out candles?
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.