Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
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me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
repaired
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies