[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
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The three genders
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.