@AbbieEvansXO

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

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@Birdhumms

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

@sageboggs

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

@envydatropic

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

@heyitsJudeD

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

@DothTheDoth

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

@Yankeegiant72

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

@Brampersandon_

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

@lmwortho

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.