The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
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Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.