[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
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People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Catercrombie & Fish
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
the noise i just made
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.