I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
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If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Carpe DM
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Swedish for common sense.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.