[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
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The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.