[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
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LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Become ungovernable.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched