“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
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Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.