Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
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Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Which wines pair best with gloating?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)