Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
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So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Got him!
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.