ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
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Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.