Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
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Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?