Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
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*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop