@josephknuckles

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

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@darksidedeb

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

@affay97

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

@maxverygoodboy

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

@primawesome

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

@Julian_Deane

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

@causticbob

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

@JasonLastname

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

@jonnysun

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH