“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
This kid will have a bright future.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to