“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
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People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Only Americans understand
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I’d … I’d rather not.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.