Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
much to think about
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Inside you there are two wolves
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?