ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
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Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
New comic up. “Ransom”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Banderslack Clamberdorch
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Sing it!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Woke up against my better judgement again
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time