Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
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When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.