Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
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cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.