Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
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The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Woke up with morning Yule Log
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch