Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

Phones down.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.