[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
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Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My patience has stretch marks.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins