Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
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[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Wake me when AI does housework
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
S/o to @funTweeters .
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.