“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
You Might Also Like
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.