Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
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[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
🤣
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
my nickname in college
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.